so i decided not to leave but the pain in my heart wont go away. He makes even more promises and continues to say his sweet nothings but they ring hollow in my heart. Everytime i hear them i wonder who else he called his, who else he called sweety, who else? I love the man. . theres fleeting moments when things go back to normal . But then he;ll say "My sweet girl" and i know he's probably said it to someone else. . and it brings me back down to earth. I suffer anxiety attacks and severe boughts of depression.

Cutting helps. It calms me down, forces me into my body and grounds me once more. Theres dozens of cuts up and down my arms. . . . they hurt when i move but they keep me focused on the pain on my body rather than on the pain in my heart. I watch the blood trickle and i feel like the pain is my salvation. . and my punishment. Punishment for not being better for him. For not being the woman he wanted that he had to go seek praise and flirtation from others. Oh how he praised their bodies. . and now. . now i hate my own. . and none of his words can keep me from hating the person in the mirror once again.

Oh well. . . a few more cuts should help me focus more