So here i am again

Ive come back to this simply for the fact that i know that no one i know reads it. So it will be my public journal to get out all my emotions.

I went half way across the country for a man i thought would cherish me. I spent 82 thousand on a school where i could not only follow my dreams but be near him. 6 years i have devoted to him

and here i find out that he had a second life on the internet where he could freely flirt and have women flirt back . . how he claims them as his online, how he openly calls them things he used to call me. I should have known better when i found out all those naked pictures. (i wouldnt have cared if they were professional pictures since men always like to look). All of this. . while we were supposed to plan our wedding!

One of said women he calls a personal friend. HAH!
if thats how he keeps friends. . . who am I? What am i to him?

Three days of intense emotional discussions and I have decided to stay. Why? I cannot say. It might be love, or it might be my pride. That i refuse to go back home and say "i abandoned you for nothing and now i have an 82 thousand dollar debt for nothing"

However here i am.. . back where i started before i met him. Feeling ugly, disgusting, fat, worthless. He can continue to say im not fat that im not ugly. . . but he also said I was the only one in his life. How stupid i was to believe his lies.

How stupid I am for coming back. But i want to make this work however its hard. . when you cant even look at yourself in the mirror for feeling like a failure, for feeling ugly, for feeling fat.

thoughts enter my mind like maybe if you werent so ugly he wouldnt have done this to you, maybe if you werent so fat, maybe if you were a better wife. . . he wouldnt have strayed.

so now im here trying to pick up the pieces. . and i dont know how to get up from this. . . when i cant believe the one person who SUPPOSED to lov e me. . . who's supposed to say those sweet nothings only to me.

Where do i go from here?