5 days

5 days. . going on 6 of continual cutting. It helps me manage. it makes the pain go away, it helps me focus and not think of things i shouldnt. I actually thought about killing myself, im not used to this much pain. However im trapt in this vessel, i cant bring myself to kill myself knowing my mother would have to pay off the 82 thousand dollar debt. It is the ONLY thing keeping me from just trying it. Still the cutting helps, ill have moments of happiness but they too are fleeting. He'll say something about the situation, about trying to overcome this, and i feel guilty. The recovery depends on me but its going to take weeks before i feel remotely back to normal. Each time he tries to hurry me, that he tries to make it so that i love my body, it makes me feel even worse.

I cant help but blame myself, i mean i am supposed to be his wife, the one who is supposed to keep his attention. Yet if i had such a beautiful body like he says. . . why would he hurt me so? So here i am. . cutting for the first time in my life at 21. . . but it helps me cope, it helps me get back to normal. I'll try to stop. . . but everytime i feel myself about to break, about to snap and just cry. . the pain in my arm pulls me back , the pain helps me focus on my work.

Is it so bad?

so i decided not to leave but the pain in my heart wont go away. He makes even more promises and continues to say his sweet nothings but they ring hollow in my heart. Everytime i hear them i wonder who else he called his, who else he called sweety, who else? I love the man. . theres fleeting moments when things go back to normal . But then he;ll say "My sweet girl" and i know he's probably said it to someone else. . and it brings me back down to earth. I suffer anxiety attacks and severe boughts of depression.

Cutting helps. It calms me down, forces me into my body and grounds me once more. Theres dozens of cuts up and down my arms. . . . they hurt when i move but they keep me focused on the pain on my body rather than on the pain in my heart. I watch the blood trickle and i feel like the pain is my salvation. . and my punishment. Punishment for not being better for him. For not being the woman he wanted that he had to go seek praise and flirtation from others. Oh how he praised their bodies. . and now. . now i hate my own. . and none of his words can keep me from hating the person in the mirror once again.

Oh well. . . a few more cuts should help me focus more

So here i am again

Ive come back to this simply for the fact that i know that no one i know reads it. So it will be my public journal to get out all my emotions.

I went half way across the country for a man i thought would cherish me. I spent 82 thousand on a school where i could not only follow my dreams but be near him. 6 years i have devoted to him

and here i find out that he had a second life on the internet where he could freely flirt and have women flirt back . . how he claims them as his online, how he openly calls them things he used to call me. I should have known better when i found out all those naked pictures. (i wouldnt have cared if they were professional pictures since men always like to look). All of this. . while we were supposed to plan our wedding!

One of said women he calls a personal friend. HAH!
if thats how he keeps friends. . . who am I? What am i to him?

Three days of intense emotional discussions and I have decided to stay. Why? I cannot say. It might be love, or it might be my pride. That i refuse to go back home and say "i abandoned you for nothing and now i have an 82 thousand dollar debt for nothing"

However here i am.. . back where i started before i met him. Feeling ugly, disgusting, fat, worthless. He can continue to say im not fat that im not ugly. . . but he also said I was the only one in his life. How stupid i was to believe his lies.

How stupid I am for coming back. But i want to make this work however its hard. . when you cant even look at yourself in the mirror for feeling like a failure, for feeling ugly, for feeling fat.

thoughts enter my mind like maybe if you werent so ugly he wouldnt have done this to you, maybe if you werent so fat, maybe if you were a better wife. . . he wouldnt have strayed.

so now im here trying to pick up the pieces. . and i dont know how to get up from this. . . when i cant believe the one person who SUPPOSED to lov e me. . . who's supposed to say those sweet nothings only to me.

Where do i go from here?

feila


helnor


darlord named ?

lotto numbers

you know i'm no good-amy winehouse

500, 503, 505, 509
131-140

350- 359

831-835

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Mecha schematics

-Energy sword comes out of his right hand
-a blaster comes out from the tops of forearms.
-Thick forearms which hide blasters...also gives more force to a punch
- Titanium chest cover to protect the driver.
- wheels on the sides of his foot for him to  slide
-rockets on the outside of his ankles to push him
- metal bend poles come out of his back...and a special light but sturdy fabric comes out that allows flight
-boosters under the special wings  to allow fast flight
- mecha has mouth guard (meaning only eyes show)
- Colors- mainly red with dark red accents with silver bolts and wires.
-Red plates with dark red trim...silver bolts and wires.
- ((Annie must program it before it can actually move. Meaning it can be built....hardware made but she must plug into it first to give it its personality and software)
- Sturdy legs , 4 braces on the feet... which keeps it from being knocked down easily
- Big chestand stomach cover to protect wiring.
-extra  hydraulics ..incase one gets cut.
- every wire has thick  nylon covering (strange) however the nylon protects it from small particles and flying debris. The first of its kind
- The mecha itself isnt bulky like other ones ...the only things on it that are big are its lower legs (under the knees), the forearms and hands and the chest.) its meant for efficiency , using momentum and its bulky lower parts for attacks.  However because of its big lower legs..it cant be knocked over if pushed or tackled
- Also has sensors to detect long range attacks.

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corporation names

Globe net -germany (medical)

Yakumatsu corp-jap (technical)

Reinch core- Russia (Ammunition)

Flora Cora- Brazil (Floral)

Tandum studios- D.C. (Media)

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