5 days

5 days. . going on 6 of continual cutting. It helps me manage. it makes the pain go away, it helps me focus and not think of things i shouldnt. I actually thought about killing myself, im not used to this much pain. However im trapt in this vessel, i cant bring myself to kill myself knowing my mother would have to pay off the 82 thousand dollar debt. It is the ONLY thing keeping me from just trying it. Still the cutting helps, ill have moments of happiness but they too are fleeting. He'll say something about the situation, about trying to overcome this, and i feel guilty. The recovery depends on me but its going to take weeks before i feel remotely back to normal. Each time he tries to hurry me, that he tries to make it so that i love my body, it makes me feel even worse.

I cant help but blame myself, i mean i am supposed to be his wife, the one who is supposed to keep his attention. Yet if i had such a beautiful body like he says. . . why would he hurt me so? So here i am. . cutting for the first time in my life at 21. . . but it helps me cope, it helps me get back to normal. I'll try to stop. . . but everytime i feel myself about to break, about to snap and just cry. . the pain in my arm pulls me back , the pain helps me focus on my work.

Is it so bad?